A new town - a new doctor

I moved from Minneapolis, MN, to Missoula, MT, and I'm in denial. It still feels as though I'm on vacation, even while sitting at my new desk in my new office with my new view of a mountain (what? where did that mountain come from?).

But I'm also in denial about what is happening to my body. It's the same symptoms: bleeding, abdominal pain, urgency.... all the good stuff come to revisit me. I thought I'd left my old life, including my status as "Sick Girl," behind. Once again I learn, there is no running away. This is my life.

Today I took my HUGE pile of medical records to my new MDs office so they could assemble my chart, which I am sure they will not have read by my appointment on Monday. I will tell my story to yet another professional and I will hear again the many concerns they have about my health and my future. I will be given a prescription which will help with the symptoms while bringing me the gift of side-effects (I always get the side-effects. That 1 in 100 chance of something happening? Yeah, that happens to me.)

I have not exactly hidden this from the people I love, nor have I shared too much with them. I don't like having them worry. I hate the constant questions about my health or my favorite, "Should you be going to the emergency room?" NO! If I needed to go to the emergency room, I'd GO! (Honestly!)

I just want to say that I thought I was done. I thought I could call myself 'healthy' again. I thought...well, I thought I could get on with my life, fall in love, be intimate, and not worry my boyfriend. I hate that look. The worried look. The way he listens to my body when it makes the huge rumbling noises that accompany my digestion. Or worse, the way he tenses when I tense, when the pain is bad and I hold my breath until it passes. Those are the bad moments. He came back from a movie and told me he just about started crying - worried that he'd "lose" me - does he think I'm going to die? This is all too much for a young romance.

I have a moment, every now and then, when I feel sorry for myself, when the pain and exhaustion doesn't seem fair, but I can't live in that place for long. I thought being in a new place, I could pretend I wasn't sick. No one would know. But there is no hiding it. I am what I am. This is my life.