This is a very humiliating story. I hesitate to even write about it but last night in my writing class we were directed to make a list of “scary” topics and this was at the top. Apparently, by writing about that which we consider to be scary, well, magic is supposed to happen. I’m not sure it will. But here is my scary story….
Ever since I became ill, I have carried a fear with me. It lives in my purse. If you’ve ever seen one of my purses you know I carry the equivalent of a diaper bag. “I have to have room for a book” I explain. But the truth is, I have to have room for diaper-like paraphernalia.
(Deep breath - OK)
I was in a large store where clothes are discounted and one needs lots of time and arm strength to sort through all the trash to find the treasure. This process requires a lot of trips to the dressing room because these clothes have arrived in the “Land of Misfit Clothes” for a reason.
I had just reached the dressing room with my second armful of pants to try on, stripped to my underwear – and – oh, god – no, please no. I did a little dance. I prayed. I promised my first born. I promised to never ever ever blog from work again.
It happened. I lost control. I lost control of my bowels. I lost control of my bowels in a public changing room. And there was noise and there was smell and there was mess.
I wanted to cry. I swore instead. “SHIT” Appropriate word choice, no?
Perhaps you’ve had a fear – losing your job, or your love or your pride – and when your fear actually came to fruition, you realized that you were strong enough to deal with it.
I am strong enough to deal with it – and I am resourceful. And I will ALWAYS be prepared for this from now on because wouldn’t you know it, not wanting to carry a large purse while also carrying an armful of clothes, I left the purse in the car. And while losing control of bodily functions is something most people have to look forward to in their futures – I’ve already faced this issue. I can check this one off.
I have lost my pride but I’ve also lost my fear and there is a kind of freedom in that.
And now that I've written this, we need never speak of it again....
12 comments:
You are the bravest person I know. Well done.
I second that sentiment!
How amazing for us and (I'm assuming) cathartic for you to have shared this story.
I have a similar story from a life time ago (different circumstances -mental rather than physical illness) but I have never ever shared that with anyone.
Once again you inspire me.
:)
Thank you for your kindness - so scary - and I guess the magic in telling the scary story lies in the support from good friends and family.
I'm hoping this story can now go on the "funny" list. It is pretty funny - if I really think about it...
i hear a certain phrase echoing in my head: what does not kill you makes you stronger. and airing it out (if you will) makes you damn near bullet proof. marks for spirit, bravery and making me want to sink into the floor right along with you. Love you!
There was once a little girl who went shopping with her mommy and daddy. They went to a big Sears store that sold all kinds of things. She was a very good little girl and although she was just learning to be potty trained, she was doing very well and was learning fast. I think she wanted very much to please her mommy and daddy even back then. Suddenly the little girl was gone and daddy and mommy looked everywhere and could not find her. They were so scared!!! Then daddy found her. There she was sitting on a stool in a bathroom display. Yep, she had done the dirty deed and she was so proud. Daddy loved her then and I love you now.
Terr-Dogg
Thanks, Dad! You know how you're always advising me to "go" when I'm not feeling well, perhaps I've internalized that and my body thinks, "Hmmm, I feel lousy, I think I'll 'go' now!"
Um, let's work on a new internal mantra while I'm home, shall we?
PS< Daddy needs a blog - you should hear this man's stories...
I have my own Sears story, too. There's just something about Sears.
Let's hear your Sears story!
i like the line about how you won't blog at work anymore. I'm still laughing about that.
kudos on a hilarious and harrowing tale.
Thanks LH - and since the universe didn't take me up on the offer - I plan to continue blogging from work...
You are my hero. I love how you use your blog for introspective moments. I feel as though I'm getting a privileged look inside JM's brain. I know a little bit more about that complex, brave and wonderful being that you are. Thanks for the stories.
good work jm.
you are my blogging hero.
please keep doing it from work.
Post a Comment