Cleaning out the Closet

Two years ago I cleaned out my closet and threw out what had been, at one time, my favorite sweater. Originally, it was a lovely blue green color and when I wore it, I felt really good. I was in college and this sweater made me feel cozy and attractive and smart. I wore it a lot.

Needless to say, the sweater started to fade. I also developed this really strange habit of constantly tugging on the sleeves, pulling them down over my hands, playing with the loose threads. These actions made people wonder if I suffered from OCD or a lack of self-confidence. I began to suspect the same. I wore the sweater more often than I should, sometimes neglecting to wash it because I was afraid it would come apart. It was the color of a cloudy fall day. Not a good look for me.

I held onto this sweater TOO long. I didn't feel good while wearing it, but I was compelled to put it on. Instantly I was transformed from a confident woman into a neurotic self-concsious girl. I had to do something.

So, after receiving his 3rd phone call, I finally emailed him and told him that I couldn't do this anymore. I was stuck in a pattern - our friendship - our "relationship" - whatever it was - I didn't feel good about myself. Eight years in each other's lives, and I was throwing it away. He tried calling one more time, but I let it ring and he didn't leave a message. I haven't seen him since.

I dreamt about him a few weeks ago. I felt bad. Wondered if I'd made a mistake.

No. It's true that I was always "tugging at my sleeves" in a sense when I was with him. I wasn't proud of myself around him.

I cleaned out my closet and tossed aside that which I thought I'd have forever. But it didn't fit anymore. It didn't suit me.