I am sick. I guess I have to come to terms with what it means to have a "chronic disease" - i.e. I am never going to be healthy like I once was. Tonight I am sick. Worse, I'm tired of being sick. And most importantly, I'm angry.
I don't want advice. I don't want anyone to cheer me up or cheer me on (it will only make me feel compelled to be falsely "cheered up" so as not to disappoint you - and I'm in no mood to be false). I just want to say that I'm angry. Angry that I pump steroids and chemotherapy into my body on a daily basis and I'm still sick. Angry that I restrict my diet severely and I'm still sick. Angry that doctors can't help me without removing my colon. Yoga, acupuncture, massage, psychotherapy. Nothing is helping me.
My body has turned against itself and against me and I can't control it and the pain and humiliation of ulcerative colitis is so bad some days ... a lifetime is a very long time to live this way. Especially since I seem to have lost my sense of humor about it all. And at this very moment, my kitchen is home to 3 incarnations of chocolate left over from my roommate's dessert party tonight (the aroma has followed me everywhere all evening) and I'm the victim of a kind of lust I've never known before. I am only making myself suffer if nothing I do, or don't do, makes me feel any better.
6 comments:
I love you.
Terr-Dog
F-cking doctors; f-cking "chronic disease"; f-cking chocolate; f-cking dessert parties; f-cking pity; f-cking chocolate; f-cking diets; f-cking food; did I say f-cking chocolate?; f-cking anger ...
No pity party for you jm, just pure anger - don't let anyone take that away.
Ah, shucks. I am in a better place (emotionally) today. I love you, too, TerrDog.
And bdoc, there's nothing like a well-placed swear word to 1) relieve tension and 2) make me laugh!
Thanks!
bdoc and I are so related. I totally planned to swear up a storm too, but she beat me to it. . .and taught me all the words.
Punch something.
Seriously.
Well, at least you are a great writer, ala David Sedaris. Not much consolation, but it's true. You're really good.
Thank you, m-ko. You know, I said I didn't want to be cheered up, but you guys found a way to do it. Thank you for your words and for reading mine. I love you.
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