How to Convince Your Friends & Co-Workers You're Being Beaten

Step outside and hear a "click."

SHIT

Door has locked behind you. How to get in? No hidden key. Look at all the windows. Only the windows out of reach are open a few inches.

Reach up and take off the screen and open the window by jumping (this is surprisingly easy and makes you realize you should invest in home security).

Pile things in front of the window. Bags of trash, the neighbor's trike, the dead squirrel from the street - everything you can find. This will give you height. But not much.

Stick your arms through the window. They are still angled up - but that's what triceps are for.

Clear away all things on the other side of the window (plants, paperwork and breakables crash to the floor) by frantically waving your arms through the window.

Count to 3. Count to 3 again. Flexing triceps is not working.

With superhuman strength (because it is extremely important that you get inside within the next minute) pull yourself up, reposition your arms, pull again, reposition, bang your elbow, gash your forearm, and find yourself with head on floor and feet outside.

Success!

Result: Very bruised arms - bruises in stripes - that look like they could be from fingers. Wear short sleeves as often as possible until bruises are healed. These babies are badges of sheer genius ... well, except for getting locked out in the first place.