Why Me? That's what I realized I was asking myself. Why do I have this disease? Surely this was a case of mistaken identity, but then who am I, really? So, off I went to the Wizard to find not a brain or a heart, but myself.
I recently shared with him how blogging was helping me with my perfectionism.
"Blogging has 'rules.'" I told the Wizard. "You have to write frequently, even if you don't know if people are reading, otherwise you will lose your reader's interest. And it forces you to take a moment from your day and make it worthy of a story. You start to look for something to go wrong because those are the things that make the best stories. Suddenly, you're losing your perfectionism. You WANT to make at least ONE mistake a day, so that you have something to write about."
"Try using the word 'I,'" said the Wizard.
It stopped me cold. "I don't USE that word," I insisted, as though he wanted me to introduce "cunt" into my vocabulary. "I don't TALK that way. And I don't know why that makes me cry..." I wiped away a tear.
Well, here was the problem, I thought. I am uncomfortable claiming my life and my life experiences. If I can't claim myself, if I can't identify myself, how can I blame the universe for a little mistaken identity?
And maybe it's not a mistake.
I am a woman, independent to a fault, who has been given 2 very important gifts by the universe: 1) a disease that has introduced me to myself and 2) the best friends in the world who realize that on this medical diet, fruit is my savior. My chocolate.
I am a proud new member of The Fruit of the Month Club. I am. I am thankful.
7 comments:
Your entries are so poignant and inspirational JM. It makes me almost, I repeat ALMOST, want your disease so that I too can find myself and learn what it's like to accept myself. I guess I'll have to learn from you and be thankful that you can bear the burden and help me learn. Thanks for sharing with us....
Thanks, bdoc. You have a very strong sense of self, I believe, but I'm sure the Universe will seek out areas that need attention and "gift" you appropriately with challenges.
Funny thing about the Wizard of Oz - they all had what they thought they lacked, but they needed symbols or tools to help them acknowledge the existence of those things.
Maybe we all need talismans. I say: Buy jewelry! (Any excuse...)
As I read these comments all I can think is that I am so lucky to call the two of you my best friends.
You ladies are MY Oprah!
Hey this whole thing sounds a tad fruity to me. They say that fruit will make you regular, at this point I'll try anything to be considered regular.
I went to the Wizard once. We talked at length and I remember thinking; hey this is just a regular guy. I asked then how it came that he was given the position of "Wizard"? He replied, "I just realized one day that I am a Wizard."
Johnny, you are so punny! I mean funny! You are such a great writer and - dare I actually tell you - an artistic inspiration to me.
PS Dessert tonight is pears on dry curd cottage cheese. Remember when Mom would serve that as dessert and I'd say "There's no chocolate in this!"
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