This weekend I had a realization. Or maybe a few:
1) Something has finally committed to me - it will never abandon me - MY CHRONIC DISEASE IS HERE TO STAY.
2) I have a dark side - the messy, emotional, human side - I'm human. And so are you. We produce snot, shit, tears and nose hair.
3) People like to fix things. They can't fix me - nothing they try works - I'll always have days when I'm sick. This frustrates people.
4) In order to protect others from my dark side - and from the frustration of living with someone unfixable - I don't allow people to love me. Or at the very least I make it really challenging.
5) I'm not really protecting anyone, I'm just making life difficult for myself. Lonely, too.
6) Everybody has a dark, messy, emotional, human quality inside of them that is base and not very attractive. Why should I pretend it doesn't exist? Wouldn't it be better if I could accept ALL of myself (and others)?
7) Maybe I'm not broken - Healing is a concept of wholeness and I'll never heal while accepting only half of my human existence.
8) I want to love you enough to let you love me.
9) Perhaps I should lay off the books on tantric sex and the Dalai Lama (not the same book) for awhile...
2 comments:
Your thought processes are so healthy to me, so real and unflinching. And if you have to be 'sick' then at least you should have a healthy state of mind, right?!
How true! Everyone - check out Girl From The North Country - linked on the other page. She's a wise and witty woman.
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